I think I'm going to explode. I'm not one for writing whiney 'woe-is-me' blog posts, as I try to always tell myself that there are major problems in the world which far outshadow my own. In my testing times, I try to remind myself of the things I do have, and try and do as much positive thinking as possible (while aided with wine and lots of chocolate). It usually seems to work, along with an early night and hot bath, within 24 hours I tend to get over my occassional bursts of self pity.
Today is different. I feel like a nervous wreck. I shouted at Joshua in the middle of a shop and slapped his hand when he began to destroy a display all from the comfort of his pushchair-not how I handle situations usually. In ten seconds I became one of 'those' mothers-who shouts at their kids in public and can't control their temper. I then added guilt to my list of negativity today.
Baby Daddy has been on long term leave from work (yes the job we reloacted 200 miles away for) with a serious back problem. He had an operation in November, all went to plan until he began to get ill afterwards and it turns out he had a spinal fluid leak. Anyway long story short, the spinal fluid leak has pooled on top of his nerves and spine and is now the size of an egg and it's compressing nerves in his back etc. He's barely been able to move let alone do anything else for months. Finally he's getting it sorted out today with surgery but the operation is risky and complicated as he has had previous spinal surgery meaning his muscles are going to have to be moved and replaced in different positions-all very complicated. And very risky. So I'm a bag of nerves today. I've seen Jamie in Intensive Care before and watching a grown man, the man you love, writhe in pain, unable to process anything and totally helpless is not an experience I wished to repeat. Sadly that's what we are looking at after the operation this afternoon and tomorrow. And even then we won't know if the operation has been a success for a few weeks.
This might not sound earth shattering on the stress scales but did I mention the specialist hospital is in North London-an hour and a half drive away? And you know that reloaction I talked about? We have no friends or family to help out as we don't know a soul here. I'm relying on a childminder who we have a occassional babysitting arrangement with to have Josh this afternoon and evening. Combined with the fact we don't know what time Jamie's operation will actually be at means I'm looking at a costly day/night of childcare. And lots of driving to be able to at least partially be there for both my boys.
So this morning after a night of non-sleeping due to worry I ran myself ragegd rushing around town trying to buy mens slippers (do you know how hard it is to buy slippers in April!?) and various other bits and pieces that my OH has requested. Of course I don't resent it, but it tipped me over the edge on the stress levels rushing back and forth trying to get everything needed.
Oh and as if that wasn't enough, I'm moving house two weeks today. Yipee it's back to my hometown but not so yipee is that I have two weeks-on my own-to pack up our entire house with an inquisitive toddler underneath my feet constantly. As well as hospital trips. I'm also having to make sure the house is constantly an acceptable level of messiness as the Estate Agents keep showing people round (our house is rented) which is a ball ache if nothing else.
Oh yes and don't let me forget it's my good friends hen do in Barcelona next weekend. Yes my first time away in years, my first trip abroad in three years, booked long ago before any prospect of Jamie's spinal surgery...paid for, anticipated and a longed for break. Now the hospital tell me that Jamie may well still be in hospital then and we had arranged for his Mum to come and stay to help with Joshua those two days as Jamie would have been better resting in bed. (I did offer to not go to Barca but he was adament I deserved a break and he knew how much I wanted to go) but if he's still half way across London how can I jet away to sun, sea and sambuca with the girls? Major guilt explosion here because lots of my friend's invitees let her down, she's counting on me to go as I'm honorary Maid of Honour and well quite frankly she'll kill me if I can't go.
Intertwine this with the fact due to my partners back problems this year he has no job prospects when we move back home, so how the hell will we pay the bills, my son is teething badly and has a funny looking bodily rash and a knack for throwing tantrums at the most inconviniant times, I'm knackered and...well I'm pretty much loosing any light at the end of the tunnel as the walls seem to be falling in around me. Oh and my oven's broken. And I'm due on my period.
So although I don't write self pitying post, I guess this counts as the first one. Altogether now..."woe is Chloe" ...sob.